As women I think we all have bad days when we don’t like what we see in the mirror. There are days when you feel good and are oozing confidence and then there are days when…well you are not. I seem to be having the NOT oozing confidence day every day now. I’m a lot heavier than I would like to be and I just don’t feel good in my body. I look and feel like a completely different person than I did 3 years ago and it makes me feel like I am completely losing myself. My battle with my mummy tummy is consuming me and it is affecting my life and happiness.
The day I realised I could grab the fat from my belly and make a belly donut was both a depressing yet strangely amusing day. Grabbing my belly donut has become a daily ritual. It is now my own built in stress ball. I cannot seem to walk past a mirror without doing it and it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Talk about losing your identity. What is worse is that my mind still hasn’t really caught up with the idea that I am no longer a size 6/8. It still pictures itself as the Pre-gabriel confident and thin Kylie. Then gets shocked when it sees a picture of my arms side on and how they seem to engulf and eat my whole body. Wtf? I can picture and plan out outfits that i am convinced will make me look like a bombshell only to put it on and look like a walking potato. Who am I?
Homebakes and Belly Shakes
It doesn’t help that since having Gabriel I have developed an unhealthy attachment to sugar & food. That my desire to be the modern day Martha Stewart has got me baking every week. Then stuffing my face with said bakes. Being an at home mum means that I have access to food at all times and the stress of daily battles with a toddler, while studying makes me want to eat the whole pantry. People come up to me and they don’t get it. They say “oh you are not fat, You look great” and I cant help but sigh. Yes i may not be rolling when walking but you have not seen me in my underwear. Plus I am sure that they HAVE noticed that I am 10kgs heavier and that they are just too polite to say otherwise or they are in the same boat and feel secretly relieved that they are not the only one. (don’t worry, I get it)
So what do I do? Do I accept that this is my fate, that I gave birth (2 years ago), that I am getting older and this is part of the territory? That curvy is “in” right now and I should make the #BellyDonut Movement to encourage everyone to embrace their bodies no matter what it looks (or feels) like? Or do I get up and throw belly donut into boot camp. Tell him he is no longer welcome and get myself back to a place where I feel happy in my body? Where the picture of my self in my mind is actually aligned with reality?
Though I do believe that we should love our bodies the way they are. I also believe you should look after them and do what it takes to feel confident. For me it is an on going battle. It’s not just about weight and the number on the scale, nor it is about trying to meet societal expectations that women face these days. It is about feeling good in your body and skin, about feeling good about being you. It is easy to make excuses. Lets face it motherhood is hard especially when you are working or studying as well as raising kids and keeping house. However we can’t lose ourselves and who we are because of the kids. We should set an example for our kids that looking after ourselves is essential to living a happy and fulfilling life and also for everyone around us.